Flowers that remember: how cultures honour babies who died

When a baby dies before or soon after birth, there is often very little to hold. Flowers have filled that space for a very long time. They can be laid on a grave, set on an altar or a windowsill, planted in a garden, or pressed between the pages of a book. Across the world, families have given certain flowers a special place in remembering their children.

Mexico: white flowers for the smallest souls

During Día de Muertos, many families in Mexico build an ofrenda, an altar for those who have died. Children are welcomed first. Mexican media describe 31 October as the day for babies who were never born, and 1 November for the children known as angelitos, little angels.

On children’s altars, white comes first: white flowers, veils and candles, the colour of purity and innocence. Two flowers are often chosen for children: alhelí (wallflower) and nube, the small white clouds of baby’s breath, which stand for purity and tenderness. Golden cempasúchil, the Mexican marigold, is placed too, because its colour is said to light the way for the little ones to find the altar.

Japan: the water child

In Japan, a baby who died before or around birth may be called a mizuko, a “water child”. At Buddhist temples, families take part in mizuko kuyō, a memorial service, and many place a small stone statue of Jizō, who is believed to protect children who have died and to guide them to the other world.

The statues often wear a red bib. Families bring toys, flowers and candles, dress the statues for the season and keep them clean. At some temples, long rows of small Jizō stand side by side, each one cared for by a family.

United Kingdom: the forget-me-not

The forget-me-not, a small blue wildflower, carries its meaning in its name, and in Britain it has become a quiet symbol for babies who died. In 2004, the local Sands group, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity, opened a Forget-me-not memorial garden in Hemel Hempstead with the borough council, “a special place for all those who have been touched by the death of a baby”.

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust invites families to dedicate a virtual forget-me-not, with a name, a date or a message, as “a small but meaningful way to commemorate a pregnancy loss”.

Europe in November: chrysanthemums and candles

In many European countries, families visit graves at the start of November, around All Saints’ Day on 1 November and All Souls’ Day on 2 November. In France, the flower of these days is the chrysanthemum. The custom goes back to 1919, when flowers were placed on soldiers’ graves for the first anniversary of the Armistice. Chrysanthemums flower in autumn and survive the first frosts, so they became the flower of the season. Because of this, in France they are brought to graves, not given as a gift.

In Lithuania, Vėlinės, on 2 November, is the day to remember the dead. Families tidy graves, decorate them with flowers and light candles, and many also look after the graves of strangers. For parents whose baby has no grave, a candle at home that evening can be a way to take part.

The poppy: remembrance that returns

Since John McCrae wrote In Flanders Fields in 1915, after seeing poppies bloom among the battlefields of the First World War, the red poppy has been a flower of remembrance in many countries. Poppies grow easily, flower in early summer and drop their own seed, so where they have flowered once, they often come back.

That is why MIMATIS seed letters are made with poppy seeds. You plant a letter to your baby once, and the flowers can return every year.

Rosemary, for remembrance

Not every plant of remembrance is a flower. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, written around 1600, Ophelia hands out herbs and says: “There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance.” Rosemary stays green all year and grows happily in a pot on a windowsill, which makes it a gentle plant to keep for a baby.

A flower of your own

Many parents choose a flower that connects to their baby: one that blooms in the month their baby was born, a flower in their name, the colour they had imagined, or flowers from the funeral that were pressed and kept. Some plant something that flowers around their baby’s birthday, so that every year there is something to look at and to name.

• Plant a flower in your baby’s name in the MIMATIS memorial garden.
• Write to your baby and plant a seed letter.
• Press flowers from the hospital or the funeral in a heavy book, and keep them in a memory box.