You are grieving too

You lost your child too

You were becoming a parent. You may have felt the baby move, chosen a name, told your family and pictured the first year. When the baby dies, that future is lost for you as well. Your grief is real whether the loss came at six weeks, at thirty-four weeks or after your baby was born.

Research on men’s grief describes a particular kind of hurt: the loss is often not recognised, either as the loss of a baby or as a grief that needs attention. Researchers call this “double disenfranchised” grief (Obst et al., 2020, a review of 46 studies). Hospitals, family and friends often ask how the mother is, and few ask how you are.

You do not have to prove that your grief is big enough, and it does not need to be compared with hers.

You may feel you have to be strong

Many fathers describe the same pressure: to deal with the practical things, keep going and hold your partner together. The research says the same. In the review of men’s grief, many men saw their role as the supporter and felt they had to look strong, which left their own grief unacknowledged (Obst et al., 2020). In a 2026 interview study of ten fathers after a stillbirth, fathers described being expected to fix things, go back to work quickly and hold their feelings back, and many felt overlooked or lonely (McDonough et al., 2026).

Being steady for someone you love is not wrong. But you also need somewhere to put your own grief. Find at least one person or place where you do not have to hold anything: a friend, another bereaved father, a counsellor, a long walk on your own.

What your grief can look like

Grief does not always look like crying. Some fathers cry. Many grieve quietly or in private, and keep busy, go back to work or do something physical (Obst et al., 2020). You may recognise some of these:

• Numbness, or feeling nothing when you think you should
• Irritability or anger, sometimes at small things
• Trouble concentrating or making decisions
• Throwing yourself into work or tasks
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
• Sleeping badly, or feeling tired all the time
• Drinking more than usual
• Going over the birth, or what you saw, again and again
• Feeling helpless because you could not fix it

These are all forms of grief. A review of studies of fathers after the death of a child (of any age, not only babies) found that fathers often avoided talking about their grief, went back to work sooner and coped through tasks. In some studies, trauma symptoms that eased over time in mothers lasted longer in fathers. The authors suggest that silence and hard work may not be enough for some fathers over time (McNeil et al., 2021).

What you saw can leave marks too. Some fathers who watched a difficult labour later describe distress that fits secondary traumatic stress (McDonough et al., 2026). If pictures from the birth keep coming back, say so to a doctor or counsellor.

In the hospital: what you can ask for

You may be the one who stays awake, asks the questions and signs the forms, while watching something you cannot stop. There are things you can ask for. Hospitals differ, so ask what is possible where you are.

• Ask the team to explain what is happening in plain words, and to repeat it. Ask for important information in writing.
• Ask to see and hold your baby, for as long as you want. This is your choice, and you can change your mind. Fathers in the 2026 study valued time with their baby, and said photographs, keepsakes and rituals helped them remember (McDonough et al., 2026; ten fathers).
• Ask for photographs, hand and footprints, a lock of hair or another keepsake. If you are not ready, ask the hospital to keep them for you.
• Say your baby’s name if you have one, and ask staff to use it.
• Ask for time before decisions about tests, such as a post-mortem, and before the funeral. See what the research says about tests.
• Tell the team you want to be included in plans, results and follow-up, not only your partner. Care after a loss often focuses on the mother, so it is fine to ask for yourself.
• Ask who you can call afterwards, and whether the hospital has a bereavement midwife, nurse, social worker or chaplain.

The first days guide explains what your baby may look like and how to spend time together.

The practical things

Fathers and partners often take on the phone calls and the paperwork, sometimes within hours. You do not have to do all of it at once, and you do not have to do it alone.

• Ask the hospital what has to be done and by when. Rules on registration, certificates, funerals and leave differ from country to country and sometimes depend on the weeks of pregnancy. Do not assume: ask. Our country pages list what we have checked.
• Choose one person to tell family and friends, or send one message to a group. The letter templates include messages for family, friends and your employer, and one for partners to write together. They were written for all bereaved parents, fathers included.
• Ask someone to help with meals, calls and, if you need it, the funeral arrangements.
• Keep the documents in one folder or one email thread.

Supporting your partner, and yourself

You may be worried about your partner’s body and mind as well as your own. What often helps:

• Listen without trying to fix. Not everything has an answer.
• Say the baby’s name, and say that you are sad too. Showing your own sadness can tell your partner that the baby mattered to you as well.
• Ask instead of guessing: “Do you want to talk, or would you like me to sit with you?”
• Look after the basics: food, water, sleep, medicine and follow-up appointments. Your body after loss explains what your partner may be going through physically.
• Take turns. One of you can rest while the other makes the calls.
• Watch for signs that either of you needs more help (see “When to ask for help” below).

You may grieve differently from your partner

Two people can lose the same baby and grieve in different ways and at different speeds. One of you may want to talk all the time and the other may need quiet. One may seem to be moving on while the other is still in the sharpest pain. This does not mean either of you loved the baby less, but it can create distance if it stays unspoken. In the studies of fathers, partners were often each other’s main support, and couples were sometimes frustrated by their different ways of grieving (McNeil et al., 2021).

Some questions you can ask each other:

• What is today like for you?
• Do you want to talk, or would you rather I stay near?
• Is there something about the birth or the hospital that you keep thinking about?
• What would help this week?

If talking together is hard, a short written note can be easier than a conversation. A counsellor can also see you as a couple.

Work and time off

Many fathers are back at work within days, sometimes because there is no leave and sometimes because work feels safer than home. In the review of men’s grief, limited paid leave was described as making grief harder (Obst et al., 2020).

• Ask your employer or HR what leave you can take. Leave after pregnancy loss and neonatal death differs by country, by the weeks of pregnancy and by employer. It may be bereavement leave, sick leave, annual leave or parental leave. Our country guides explain the rules we have checked, for example Spain, the United States, Germany and Austria.
• You do not have to explain the details. A short sentence is enough: “My baby died, and I am not myself right now.”
• Tell one person at work who can protect you from questions.
• If you need a medical note for time off, ask your doctor.

When people ask about her and forget you

People tend to ask how the mother is, and may not think to ask you. They may also say things that hurt. You can choose how to answer. A few sentences you can borrow:

• “Thank you for asking. It is hard for both of us.”
• “I am hurting too. I would like to talk about our baby.”
• “I do not want to talk about it today. Thank you for understanding.”

You can send family and friends our guide What to say, and what not to say. It explains what helps and what hurts, so they know what to say to you as well as to her.

Remembering your baby your way

Not everyone remembers by talking. Many fathers do something practical or physical: planting a tree, making a box, walking a favourite route, running or cycling for the baby, writing a letter, keeping a small object in a pocket. There is no right way.

• Plant a flower with your baby’s name in the memorial garden.
• Read about memory boxes and seed letters in the Journal.

Some dates are hard: the due date, the birthday, Father’s Day. Sands, the UK baby loss charity, says the lead-up to Father’s Day can be harder than the day itself. It suggests deciding in advance who you can turn to, and doing what feels right, including stepping away from social media.

If there is another pregnancy

A pregnancy after loss often brings hope and fear together. In a review of parents’ experiences, parents described mixed emotions, strong anxiety and little trust that the pregnancy would end well, and said emotional support from carers helped (Mills et al., 2014). Fathers feel this too. You can ask to be included in appointments, and you can tell the team that you are afraid as well. See the research on being pregnant again.

When to ask for help

It is worth asking for help if, for weeks, you cannot sleep or eat; you feel nothing or are often very angry; you are drinking or using more than usual; you cannot work; you keep reliving the birth; you feel hopeless; or you have thoughts of harming yourself.

If you are thinking of ending your life, or are afraid you may hurt yourself, contact your local emergency number or crisis line now. The helplines for your country are on Find Help.

When you see a doctor, you can say it plainly: “My baby died on [date]. I am not sleeping and I am angry all the time. I need help.” Ask for a counsellor who knows about bereavement. If asking for yourself feels hard, it can help to see it as something you do for your family.

Support made for fathers and men

• Sands (UK) offers a free helpline for dads, partners and other family on 0808 164 3332 (helpline@sands.org.uk), a Facebook group for bereaved men, men-only online meetings and Sands United football teams. Its Bereavement Support Book is available in many languages.
• Postpartum Support International (US and Canada) runs a Dads Support Group and Black Dads in Loss, and a HelpLine on 1-800-944-4773 (press 1 for Spanish).
• For support in your own country, see Find Help. Some of the organisations listed offer groups for fathers and partners, and many welcome them. We are adding more.

What the research says

Studies are clear on some points and limited on others. Fathers are often found to report grief that looks less intense or shorter than mothers’, but the scales used mainly capture visible grief, and many fathers grieve privately. Most studies come from a few countries and involve small groups, so they cannot tell you how your own grief will look.

• Obst KL et al. (2020), Men’s grief following pregnancy loss and neonatal loss: a systematic review and emerging theoretical model. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth.
• Jones K, Robb M, Murphy S, Davies A (2019), New understandings of fathers’ experiences of grief and loss following stillbirth and neonatal death: a scoping review. Midwifery.
• McNeil MJ, Baker JN, Snyder I, Rosenberg AR, Kaye EC (2021), Grief and bereavement in fathers after the death of a child: a systematic review. Pediatrics.
• McDonough MR, Leone-Sheehan D, Kellogg M (2026), Father’s experience of fetal death: a secondary analysis. Death Studies. Ten fathers in the United States and Canada.
• Tommy’s National Centre for Miscarriage Research, Improving miscarriage support for men. A review of research on 231 men found that many felt they were expected to be unaffected, and many felt like outsiders in their partner’s care.

Last checked: 23 October 2026. This page is information, not medical advice.