Fathers, too: the grief that is easy to miss

After a baby dies, the first question people ask is how the mother is. It is the right question. Her body has gone through birth or miscarriage, and the loss is physical as well as emotional. But the question is often not followed by a second one, about the father or partner, who also lost a child.

A grief that is easy to miss

Researchers who reviewed 46 studies of men’s grief after pregnancy loss and neonatal death describe it as “double disenfranchised”: the loss is often not recognised as the death of a baby, and it is often not recognised as a grief that a father is allowed to have. Men described pressure to be the supporter and to look strong. They also described care that centred on the mother, and limited paid leave from work. All of this, the authors say, made grief harder.

A review by Tommy’s National Centre for Miscarriage Research, covering earlier studies of 231 men, found something similar after miscarriage. Many men felt they were “expected to be unaffected emotionally by pregnancy loss”. As a result, they often did not ask for support, or were not offered it. Many felt like observers in their partner’s care.

What it can look like

A father’s grief does not always look the way people expect. In the reviews, many men kept busy, went back to work quickly or took on practical tasks, and many grieved in private. A scoping review of studies on fathers after stillbirth and neonatal death found that men were more likely to cope by avoidance, including drinking more alcohol, and that they felt overlooked by health professionals. A review of 21 studies of fathers after the death of a child, of any age, found that fathers often avoided talking about their grief and returned to work sooner. In some of those studies, trauma symptoms that eased over time in mothers lasted longer in fathers.

There is a caution in the research. Several studies find that fathers report grief that is less intense or shorter than mothers’. But the scales used mostly capture grief that people show, and the researchers warn that they may miss what fathers keep to themselves. Most studies are small and come from a few countries. They cannot say how any one father will grieve.

The birth, and what a father sees

Fathers are often present. In a 2026 interview study of ten fathers in the United States and Canada after a stillbirth, fathers who supported their partners through a difficult labour described distress that fits secondary traumatic stress. They also described bonding with the baby during pregnancy, valuing time with the baby after the birth, and finding that photographs, keepsakes and rituals helped them remember. Some found peer support groups helpful. Others disliked group formats, and few had a therapist who understood pregnancy loss. The authors note that all ten fathers were white and non-Hispanic, so the findings may not apply to everyone.

What seems to help

The studies do not offer a cure, but they point in the same direction:

• Being asked. A direct question about how he is, from family, friends and the hospital team, not only about how she is.
• Being included in care. Clear, jargon-free explanations and follow-up contact for fathers as well as mothers.
• Support in a form that suits him. The authors of the large review suggest activity-based options, contact with other fathers, online resources, male support workers and counselling for couples. In the UK, Sands runs men-only online meetings and football teams for bereaved fathers.
• Time with the baby, and something to remember. Fathers in the 2026 study valued time with their baby, photographs and keepsakes.
• Time away from work. Researchers call for clearer, reviewed bereavement leave policies.

If you are a father reading this

Your baby was your child too. You do not need to compare your grief with hers, or prove that it is big enough. Our guide You are grieving too covers what to ask for in hospital, the practical tasks that often fall to fathers, work, and where to find support made for men. The helplines for your country are on Find Help, and you can plant a flower with your baby’s name in the memorial garden.

If you love a father

Ask him how he is, not only how she is. Use the baby’s name if he has shared it. Do not wait for him to bring it up: studies suggest many men feel expected to say nothing. Our guide What to say, and what not to say has words that help.

Recognising a father’s grief takes nothing away from a mother’s. It gives the two of them a better chance of understanding each other, and it gives him a place to say that he lost a child too.